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The younger, less cartoonishly-proportioned Lara Croft has been described by Ubisoft executives as someone you “want to protect”, and whom gamers will identify with on an emotional level as she escapes an attempted rape on her journey to becoming the hardened raider we know from earlier versions of the franchise. 

But for gamers just looking for a good old-fashioned jiggle show, Lollipop Chainsaw just hit the market. Only instead of jiggly cleavage, the developers have evolved the genre to include mostly crotch shots of the foulmouthed, cheerleading heroine Juliet Starling, if the trailers are any indication. 

Does this mean that in ten years, we’ll have a evolved version of Starling who wears sensible slacks and replaces her eponymous lollipop with a Luna bar while decimating zombie throngs with a chainsaw? No, because one hopes by that time that we’re all over the whole zombie thing, which - especially after the events of the past few weeks - is getting really old. And as long as there are pubescent boys (and girls) powered by hormones and Mountain Dew, and with disposable income to spend on games, there will be characters like Croft and Starling. 

Such characters are, at worst, an insult to women and a violation of decades of feminist advancement. At best, they are fun, benign action figures. Somewhere in between, they are mildly annoying to women like myself who have little interest in either upskirts of pretend cheerleaders or zombies. I suspect that many of my peers feel similarly. 

It remains to be seen, however, if the sentiment is widespread enough to drive the success of Magic Mike. 

This is my inaugural post from my new (used) 2011 Macbook Air, and marks my renewed plan to write in complete sentences about topical events in culture, tech and the U.S. at large. 

So. Bath salts are scapegoated in the recent spate of zombie attacks across the country, from Florida to…well, mostly in Florida. 

Mercifully, however, attendees of the E3 gaming conference in Los Angeles this week were mostly spared the zombie overexposure that the rest of us have suffered in recent weeks. Scene-stealers this year were Lara Croft - the “new”, “old”, “younger” Lara (all accurate) - who re-emerged with some slight cosmetic tweaks and a more relatable, human vibe. More specifically, she had her breasts reduced from Coco-sized to a perky C-cup, which is far more practical for surviving the gritty, perilous junglescape the conquers in this version. 

Meanwhile, Watch Dogs depicts a more modern scenario: a hacker who relies on systems manipulation to stalk his prey. Not far from reality at all, as facial recognition and augmented reality tech become more widely used in apps and services. Art imitates life.

Finally, remember Chatroulette? Yes - the quaint olden days when, with the click of a mouse, one could instantly share and connect with a blurry, poorly lit penis half a world away. But those days are long gone, and now we have Airtime: the most recent spawn of Napster founders Sean Parker and Shawn Fanning. What is it? If this demo is to be believed, it’s the meeting place of all the world’s beautiful and freakishly friendly Mensa members - penis-free. 

What is it really, though? Based on my initial research, it is exactly as advertised. Mind you, however, these initial trials were conducted during the giddy first few hours following its launch. But will people use it? 

WWDC begins tomorrow, Monday, June 10, 2012. I just bought this Macbook Air I’m using off Craigslist for $750, so I hope I still like as of next week. 

1. Smoke More Pot. It’s good for you.

2. Watch More Television but less cable news.

3. Exercise, but no need to be a Type A freak about it.

4. See my family far less.

5. Get back to doing the things you truly love, like zoning out on gossip blogs for hours at a time.

6. Resume random hobbies that you once enjoyed so much. Remember when you used to create armies of tiny ceramic pigs out of clay? This is closely correlated with Resolution 1.

7. Step up the Babyhate. Import it to Tumblr.

8. Leave the house. If for nothing else to benefit your future hilarious and inspirational memoirs.

9. Start some kind of business. It can be a really stupid business, as long as it’s profitable!

10. Stop biting nails. Solution: Never leave home without tacky decorative press-on nails. Everyone wins.