My New Years’ Resolutions
1. Smoke More Pot. It’s good for you.
2. Watch More Television but less cable news.
3. Exercise, but no need to be a Type A freak about it.
4. See my family far less.
5. Get back to doing the things you truly love, like zoning out on gossip blogs for hours at a time.
6. Resume random hobbies that you once enjoyed so much. Remember when you used to create armies of tiny ceramic pigs out of clay? This is closely correlated with Resolution 1.
7. Step up the Babyhate. Import it to Tumblr.
8. Leave the house. If for nothing else to benefit your future hilarious and inspirational memoirs.
9. Start some kind of business. It can be a really stupid business, as long as it’s profitable!
10. Stop biting nails. Solution: Never leave home without tacky decorative press-on nails. Everyone wins.
